Confused Over Reality
Song playing: Rufus Wainwright - Hallelujah
What would you do when someone you expected to say “I love you” turned around, and said “I hate you” instead? How would you react? How would you feel? Will you leave and cry over it? or would you demand a reason for the change of heart?
I just completed yet again watching my favorite series, One Tree Hill… and despite numerous times watching this series, this time it felt different… It felt so sad… it felt cruel… and it felt so real…
Maybe its wrong for me to try to place reality with fiction, but there are times, I just can’t help watching One Tree Hill, and think of what I have done in the past.. and what I will do in the future. It sound so solemn, I know… but that’s what I feel right now… or what I think I feel.
I have in fact looked up AirAsia’s and Malaysia Airline’s website trying to find some cheap gateway for me to enjoy the end of this year, but financially… I don’t see it possible to be done… I ponder a lot on the future, and the stress seems to be mounting really bad, especially when I’m home, alone.
Tried to play games, but felt really bored after a while. Blogging seems a nice way to express myself, but I know I have to refrain from being too expressive. I know there are issues I am worried about so dearly that it has eaten me up subconsciously. I know for a fact that I have grown thinner to the extend my colleagues are saying I now look like a schoolboy. I know that I wonder what the fuck I am doing in certain places… but
I still feel confused, and when I mean confused.. I mean a hell lot confused. Its not one of those days I feel down because this time, I can feel the difference… but yet again, I am unsure why I feel this way. I don’t feel like myself… and I don’t feel I worthy of anything. Life’s a fuck… and I’ll go on with that fake smile I have smirked on my face for the past few days…
Oh, just to state the unclear… please do note that this is not a case where I list down 10 thing I hate about you.. and actually mean.. I love you…. Watch One Tree Hill, and you will know what I mean… Its not connected at all…..
ahhhh.. this is just one of those stupid expressions of mine… Just felt like I wanted to let it out…
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